Greiner Taktlos Erotic Watches Make Me Giggle Like A German School Boy (NSFW)

Greiner Taktlos Erotic Watches Make Me Giggle Like A German School Boy (NSFW)

OK, OK, you can't start reading this article on this god-awful watches without doing the following first - I am trying trying to give you the full Greiner experience! Click the following link that will open in a new window. Start the video about Greiner, and ideally have it playing in a window next to this one. I really Gunter himself to present his ballet of "automatons doing it" in one of his watches personally to you.

Hailing out of Schondorf in Germany (where else would "Schondorf" be?), Greiner is a watch store and workshop. These guys make some delicate hand engraved mechanical watches (that seem like a bit of a waste of time if you are trying to actually sell them). Along with them being quite silly erotic timepieces, they are probably the most amusingly ridiculous erotic watches that I have ever seen (that yes, makes me laugh like my name is Hans and I am in grade school in Rechberghausen!). "Handmade in Schorndorf" baby! My favorite has to be the Taktlos Golf. Just an innocent day playing golf looking like a 6th grader drew you, until before you know it, you are "hitting a whole in one with your club" with the caddy over the golf cart (or shall is say golf kart?).

Some of these watches have a real "workshop feel to them." Others have more refined looks. Greiner uses us a variety of movements and meticulously hand engraves them (probably while sitting over his desk sweating and murmuring to himself "mother, do you like me now?)." I must admit his ability to engrave designs and items, is much better than people and scenes. Though I will give him full respect, as engraving such miniatures is a pain. Though if you are indulging your prurient interests by engraving people engaged in carnal acts while looking under a microscope, you are probably a bit compulsive, and quite weird.

Watch cases come in various sizes depending on the movement and are mostly in 18k gold, or platinum (yes my precious!). The movements enhanced by the addition of gold figurines and often in the dials and case backs around the movement. Crystals are sapphire, and meant to give you a cheeky view into the action (this is seriously what this guy fantasizes about). This is when Gunter winks at you and shows you "zee good times."

Most of Greiner's watches are highly limited, or totally unique. Where DOES he get his ideas? One thing I found fascinating was the watch hands that are sometimes actually two pieces of a woman. The legs being the minute hand, while the torso being the hour hand. Also, most of the watches have an additional pusher on the side of the case. This is to force those golden idols to perform lascivious tasks. Is this how rich billionaires come of age? Quite literally, this is "platinum porn," and of the lowest quality.

Second best watch here is the Taktlos Car. The dial features our lovers dancing in the moon light to "The Monkeys" while spending time in some third-world beach resort with palm trees and thatch roof huts. Their ride is a classic Volkswagen Beetle (in solid gold!). The watch hands apparently are a naked version of the "I dream of Genie" chick. Turn the Taktlos Car over to find Don Juan over here back at the plantation doing something between... coitus and cunnilingus to his lady on the hood of the Beetle. Most likely the worst car hood on the planet for sex.  Press the pusher on the side of the case for a scene of what can best be described as " Special edition gold-coated Barbie gone wild."

Other pieces here include the Taktlos Multiple (12,4, and 8 numerals on the dial), and and orgy on the rear; the Taktlos Biker; and a few versions of the Taktlos Movie watches. You can see more details about these and more piece on this Singaporean site here that is likely a Greiner dealer. Is it art? Sure. Obscene? Only if you are the groin police. Amusing? For me, of course. Otherwise, you'll need to figure out how amusing a workshop "luxury watch" with oddly rendered naked people engraved from gold having sex, is to you. Thank you Gunter.

See erotic watches on eBay here.



NEW Erotic Survivor
NEW Erotic Survivor
$47.99
Time Remaining: 6h 44m
Buy It Now for only: $47.99
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Greiner Geneve Swiss late 80s ladies watch running
Greiner Geneve Swiss late 80s ladies watch running
$4.99
Time Remaining: 12h 51m

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Rare Vintage Erotic Themed Pocket Watch
Rare Vintage Erotic Themed Pocket Watch
$75.99 (4 Bids)
Time Remaining: 12h 58m

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GREINER ELECTRONIC WATCH REPAIR MACHINE
GREINER ELECTRONIC WATCH REPAIR MACHINE
$10.00
Time Remaining: 15h 10m

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Greiner Electronic Langenthal Magnotest MT 2 Watchmaker Vintage Tool Watch Swiss
Greiner Electronic Langenthal Magnotest MT 2 Watchmaker Vintage Tool Watch Swiss
$9.99 (1 Bid)
Time Remaining: 17h 32m

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Erotic Pocket Watch Circa 1800s High Grade Swiss Key Wind Key Set
Erotic Pocket Watch Circa 1800s High Grade Swiss Key Wind Key Set
$870.00
Time Remaining: 23h 31m
Buy It Now for only: $870.00
Buy It Now




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  • Andrew

    Sorry, but these are disgusting.

    • http://ablogtowatch.com admin

      Yup, absolutely hideous!

      • Andrew

        What’s worse is that somebody must be buying these :^)

        I’m thinking Larry Flint…???

  • Dangeruss

    Sadly these are fcuking ugly in every sense.

    • pat I

      Remember the black light “zodiac”posters from the 70’s? These watches make those posters look like tasteful and refined.

    • pat I

      Remember the black light “zodiac”posters from the 70’s? These watches make those posters look like tasteful and refined.

    • http://ablogtowatch.com admin

      And how….

  • pat I

    What’s the offical horological category for these – pornographs?

    I think Bob Guccione handed these things out as usher’s gifts at his last wedding.

    These are bad – they put them in the gift bags at Plato’s retreat.

  • pat I

    So what the official name for these watchs – pornographs?

    Coming soon at a Plato’s Retreat near you!

    • http://ablogtowatch.com admin

      OK, I hope people realize that I wrote about these as a joke because they are just awful.

  • Witch Watch

    Andrew you beat me to it. Larry Flint wannabes only need apply, truly ghastly.

  • Rich B

    I can see it now. You wear this watch to work and someone ask did you get a new watch can I see it…LOL..These are just bad.

  • Kris C

    These are hilarious – I struggle most with the thought process that ends with these watches being created. Like you end up with the idea that the market is seriously lacking in watches that display wierd, misshapen boobies in situations like this.
    The motorcycle one is too much – he’s riding his chopper while banging what looks to be the corpse of a prostitute with a smile on his beard and the wind in his mullet, and in the background is a flying eagle and a pentagram? What? The Orgy one is disturbing – the jewel in the balance wheel is the alien head to a lumpy woman with “innie” nipples – *shudder*.
    And that golf one… I wish these were cheap, everyone in my golfing clique would get one of these. If I had a nickle for everytime I started out by lining up a putt and ended with bending some broad over my golf cart… And the engraving on the caseback of that one is the icing on the cake – like he let his 10 year old nephew engrave it for him with an old house key.

    This is just the expensive version of the crappy Aimoi (sp?) “sex motion” watches you see on eBay from time to time with Chinese movements for like $10.

  • http://www.sisumovement.com Brandon

    these are no more ridiculous than the erotic pocket watches made by blancpain and many other reputable brands during the 1800’s. I own a book called “Hours of Love” that chronicles the many erotic timepieces that survived after the church mandated they be destroyed. the scenes were far more kinky, politically incorrect and BY FAR sillier than anything being made by this German guy. it’s funny to see how 150 years later everyone is still as uptight as ever when it comes to this stuff.

    yes, the watches in execution are of not the highest quality, but i’ll give it to him that he is probably comfortable with what his watches are and what they are not. at least he’s not throwing in a token tourbillon because his watches are SOOOO important.

    • pat i.

      I think everyone who has replied to this post did so with humor. Yes the watches are tacky and harmless – much like Benny Hill. From what can see in the photos, they’re probably lacking a bit in quality.

      But they don’t offend me. I think if the guy did this to PAtek Phillipe watches then maybe some purists would be upset.

      Obviously these creations” take time to make. So there’s a market out there. I’m more curious to know who buys them rather than who makes them.

      Oh and regarding the automaton pocket watches of the 1800’s. I would put them on a much higher level than these things. Considering the skill required back then to make them. Also – most of the time they used discretion. the scene was hidden from plain view.

      • http://www.sisumovement.com Brandon

        Even though it is not advertised, last time I checked Blancpain continues to make erotic minute repeaters. They will accept your artwork and make a “piece unique” so long as you can wait a year and pony up $165,000.

        Personally, I love the idea of a wearing what appears to be a bland gentleman’s watch where only you know it’s actually a $100,000+ “pornograph”. And yes, I agree with everyone else it’s ridiculous to have the erotic scenes face up.

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