I am probably losing a load of karma points for this article. Part of me feels bad because I am in a sense directly criticizing artist Ulli Kampelmann, though I mean nothing personal. I just find her entire collection of watches so bad looking, and in just a funny way, that I had to show them off. I am sure her other types of art work are better. I don't actually need to say much, because the hilarity sort of speaks for itself. They looks like cliche 80's satire, with a healthy serving of bad taste, and framed by expensive materials such as gold and diamonds. What is even funnier are the images placed with the watches in the little marketing shots on the Ulli Kampelmann site (which you should totally visit if you are in a bad mood as it will make you smile with laughter, I promise).
She has a combination of men's and women's watches. The one hideous cream of the crop is the "Jeans Pocket" watch (also in pocket watch form!). The watches are in steel or rose gold plated with a variety of diamonds and other gems for decoration. Straps are high quality materials such as alligator or leather, and the dials are mostly mother-of-pearl or otherwise. So much variety, and each more fugly than the next. Check out the "lifestyle" pick of the guy with the laptop circa 1993, "strong & clever" like a guy in banana yellow shorts and a pink fanny pack.
These images remind me of those non-sequitur motivational posters that were common in the 90's that showed up in offices to replace "fake" office art that is meant to just take up white wall space. These days such posters are mostly gone, again replaced by framed patterns on the wall that look about as bad as the fabric on bus seats designed to hide stains. I think Ulli Kampelmann might have designed a few of those.
Ulli spent some healthy time with a thesaurus when she came up with these slogan gems. What are the perfect words to describe this creature from the "Blue Lagoon?" Oh yea! "Dark and mysterious." So much better sounding that what she was thinking which was "uninspired scrap metal in black, with blue intestinal lining dial."
Looking at the Mandevilla Dance watch I cringe with pain. Why? Because I am reminded of what the tetanus shot will feel like after I cut myself handling this piece of rusty metal that used to be a fishing lure gone terribly wrong.
By the way, what the hell does "Jean Pocket. Wanted!" even mean? That isn't even a phrase. But apparently, it is "stylish and sassy." Stylish like wearing the worst fashion mistakes, a combination of the 1980s and 1990s birthed while looking at yourself in the mirror on LSD.
Inside these watches is the same quartz movement over and over, and the hands have that "drug-store, Chinese Timex rip-off" look of quality to them. The funniest part of all is that Ulli takes herself so seriously! I don't think anyone in her life has had the balls to tell her that this crap is embarrassingly bad. Ulli is probably a really nice person, but these watches just don't have what it takes to be taken seriously. So just laugh.
Images here are are from Ulli Kampelmann's website and owned by her, used here for satire or news purposes only.